He's dead...

and I have no idea what to think about it. Oddly, I almost want to mourn him, but how does one mourn a monster? Or was he one? After the first year there I never was sure. But at the very least he is a "father" who was crippling and deforming his own children's lives, whether knowingly or by his own inaction.

And yet...what will come after? In 5 years we may well wish we had him back.

I want to call, call all the people I've had no contact with for fear of putting them in danger. When I was there I was constantly aware of the attention from, let's say, unwanted third parties. I knew that some of my friends informed on me. There was a faceless, alien presence everywhere I went and no matter what I was doing I didn't forget that. So when I left... I was afraid for all those friends. The stories coming out since I'd left were getting more and more horrific and it's impossible to know the truth even when you're there. But I'm almost more afraid to call them now. Because no one knows what will come next.